Stuck in limbo

I have brief periods of respite from depression.  Last weekend, for example, I attended my friends' wedding, and was distracted for two days from the unpaid bills on the estate, the worry over the house not selling, the fear that I am sick with something serious instead of merely having a chronic stomachache from anxiety.

Depression and anxiety, my old friends.  I was probably experiencing them in utero.
Certainly, I was a depressed child and teenager.  As an adult, I take my antidepressants faithfully to ward off falling deeper into the abyss.  Now the feelings are exacerbated by grief.  I've arrived at the stage where I accept the fact that my father is gone forever.

My intent in writing this is not to gain pity.  It is simply to describe what it's like.  Sometimes the writing makes it clear that things could be, and have been, a lot worse than they are now.  But I have terrible money karma and that I have used up whatever good gig karma I had more than 9 years ago when I left the Four Seasons.  If you believe in karma.  Maybe it's just terrible luck.  I don't believe that people create their own success.  People have other people who help them succeed.  People with rich parents have an advantage over the rest of us.

I'm trying to enjoy the spring flowers.  I'm trying to motivate myself to do something creative with the free time I have left before starting work again on the 28th.  But mostly I end up online and watching endless TV.  At least I did about 90 minutes of yard work yesterday.

But I feel defeated.